The World’s Greatest Golf Jokes for Your Next Myrtle Beach Golf Vacation

Two women were playing golf when one teed off and watched in horror as her ball screamed toward a foursome on the next hole. It struck one of the men, who immediately dropped to the ground clutching himself in agony.

She ran over and said, “I’m so sorry. I’m actually a physical therapist. If you’ll let me, I can help relieve the pain.”

After some hesitation, the man agreed. She gently moved his hands aside, loosened his pants, and carefully massaged the area for several minutes.

Finally she asked, “How does that feel now?”

He winced and said, “That feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”

John sliced his ball deep into a wooded ravine and climbed down with a 7-iron to look for it. After hacking through the brush for a few minutes, he saw something shiny.

It was a skeleton lying beside an old golf ball, still clutching a 7-iron.

John looked up toward the fairway and shouted, “Hey Don, throw me my 8-iron. Apparently you can’t get out of here with a seven.”

A man started his round with an eagle, then a birdie, then a hole-in-one on the third. Right then his phone rang. It was the hospital telling him his wife had been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition.

He said he’d head right over, but then looked at his scorecard and thought, I may never play like this again.

So he played a few more holes. Then a few more. Then all eighteen. He finished with a career-best 61 and shattered the club record.

When he finally got to the hospital, the doctor glared at him and said, “Your wife has been here fighting for her life while you were out there having the round of your life.”

The man collapsed in guilt.

The doctor paused, smirked, and said, “Relax. I’m messing with you. She died three hours ago. So… what’d you shoot?”

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but had no lighter. He asked his buddy, who reached into his bag and produced a giant 12-inch lighter.

“Where in the world did you get that?” his friend asked.

“From my genie.”

“You have a genie?”

Sure enough, the golfer opened his bag and out popped a genie.

The other guy got excited and said, “Can I make a wish?”

“Go ahead,” said the genie.

“I want a million bucks!”

The genie disappeared, and seconds later the sky filled with ducks.

“What the hell?” the golfer yelled. “I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!”

His friend shrugged and said, “Yeah, he’s hard of hearing. You think I asked for a 12-inch BIC?”

A group was putting on the 18th green when a funeral procession rolled by the course. One golfer stopped, removed his hat, and bowed his head respectfully until every car passed.

One of his buddies said, “That was one of the most thoughtful things I’ve ever seen.”

The golfer nodded and said, “It’s the least I could do. We were married 35 years.”

A man and his wife were playing golf with another couple when the man hooked his drive behind a barn. His friend said, “If you open both doors, you’ve got a straight shot to the green.”

So they opened the doors. He swung, the ball ricocheted around inside the barn, flew out a side window, and hit his wife in the head.

Ten years later he finally returned to the same course. On the same hole, he hooked it behind the same barn. His new playing partner said, “If you open both doors, you’ve got a shot.”

The golfer shook his head. “No chance. Last time I tried that, I made a seven.”

After a miserable round, a golfer skipped the clubhouse and headed for the parking lot when a police officer stopped him.

“Did you happen to tee off on the 16th hole about 20 minutes ago?” the officer asked.

“Yeah.”

“Did you hook your drive over the trees and out onto the highway?”

“…Yeah.”

“Well, your ball went through a windshield, caused a pile-up, and delayed a fire truck. So what do you think you should do now?”

The golfer thought for a second and said, “I guess I should close my stance a little, strengthen my grip, and lower my right thumb.”

Mike was standing on the first hole in front of the clubhouse, getting ready to hit, when the loudspeaker crackled: “Would the gentleman on the ladies tee please move back to the men’s tee.”

Mike ignored it and reset.

The announcement came again, louder: “Would the gentleman on the ladies tee please move back to the men’s tee.”

Mike looked up and yelled, “Would the idiot on the loudspeaker please shut up and let me hit my second shot?”

A struggling golfer took a lesson and after every awful shot the pro said the same thing: “Your problem is LOFT.”

After the third disaster the golfer snapped, “What the hell does LOFT mean?”

The pro said, “Lack Of Fucking Talent.”

A terrible golfer asked his caddie, “Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?”

The caddie said, “Eventually.”

“I had a terrible round today. I only hit two good balls, and that was when I stepped on a rake.”

“I once played a course so hard, I lost two balls in the ball washer.”

A loudspeaker told a golfer to move his ball behind the tee markers for his first shot.

He looked toward the clubhouse and yelled, “Tell the gentleman on the loudspeaker this is my second shot.”

“That wasn’t a practice swing. That was a swing I regret.”

“I hit every green in regulation today. I was just playing the wrong course.”

Golf is a lot like a relationship. If you’re not having fun, you’re probably keeping score.

Mind if I join your threesome?

My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip.

Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

Stand with your back turned and drop it.

Look at the size of his putter.

Hold up… I need to wash my balls first.

A guy asked a woman to grab his Cadillac keys from his pocket because his hands were full of groceries.

When she did, two golf tees fell out too.

She picked them up and asked, “What are these for?”

He said, “To keep my balls in the air while I’m driving.”

She nodded and said, “Wow. Cadillac really thinks of everything.”

After 10 years alone on a deserted island, a guy sees a stunning woman emerge from the water in a wetsuit. She offers him a cigarette, then a drink, then starts unzipping the front of the suit.

She asks, “How long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?”

His eyes go wide. “Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there.”