The World’s Greatest Golf Jokes

Myrtle Beach is no joke when it comes to great golf on amazing courses. But what fun is a round of golf if you’ve got nothing to laugh at? Here’s the definitive guide to becoming every foursome’s go-to guy for jokes and hilarious golf stories.   Study these, memorize them, and then start planning your next Myrtle Beach golf vacation.

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The World’s Greatest Golf Jokes

A little girl was at her first golf lesson when she asked an interesting question… 

Q: “Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T?” She asked her instructor. 

A: “P-U-T-T is correct,” the instructor replied.  

“P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. “P-U-T-T means merely a futile attempt to do the same thing.” 

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn’t have a lighter. So, he asked his friend if he had one.  

“I sure do,” he replied, and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a big 12-inch BIC lighter.

“WOW!” said his friend, “Where did you get that monster?”

“I got it from my genie.”  

“You have a genie?” the first guy asked.

“Yep, he’s right here in my golf bag.” He opens his golf bag and out pops a real genie.  

The friend says, “I’m a good friend of your master, will you grant me a wish?”

“Yes, I will,” the genie replies. 

So the friend asks the genie for, “a million bucks.” 

Done! The genie replied, hops back into the golf bag and leaves the golfers standing there waiting for the “million bucks.”

Suddenly the sky begins to darken and a million ducks envelop the golfers. 

“Hey,” yells to disappointed golfer. “I asked you genie for million bucks, not a million ducks.” 

“Sorry,’ the other golfer replied, “He’s hard of hearing, and besides, do you really think that I’d ask a genie for a 12-inch BIC?” 

A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20-foot putt; the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, “That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?” “Somersaults,” says the man. “Somersaults?” says the friend, “That’s incredible. How many does he do?” “Well,” says the man. “That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass.”

“Caddy, why do you keep looking at your watch?” asked the curious golfer.” It’s not a watch, sir. It’s a compass”

A young golfer was playing in his first PGA Tour event. After his practice round he noticed a beautiful young lady by the clubhouse. He went up to her, began talking, and convinced her to come back to his hotel room for the night. All through the night they made wild love together. In the morning, the woman woke up and arose from bed. The man said, “Please don’t go. I love you and I want you to stay with me.” The woman replied, “You don’t understand…I’m a hooker.” The man said, “That’s no problem, you probably just have too strong a grip.”

A fellow caddy and myself recently helped two aged Germans around our course. Failing yet again to get the ball in the air the worst golfer of the pair exclaimed, “I suppose you have never seen any player worse than me?” My friend the caddy replied, “There are plenty worse than you sir but they all quit playing years ago.”

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar after an interfaith convention. The Jew, bragging about his virility said, “I have four sons, one more and I’ll have a basketball team!” The Catholic pooh-poohed that accomplishment, stating, “That’s nothing, I have 10 sons, one more and I’ll have a football team.” To which the Mormon replied, “You fellas ain’t got a clue. I have 17 wives, one more and I’ll have a golf course!”

Husband and wife were playing in the club’s mixed foursomes. He hit a great drive down the middle – she sliced the second shot into a copse of trees. Unfazed he played a brilliant recovery shot, which went onto the green a foot from the pin. She poked at the putt and sent it ten feet beyond the pin. He lined up the long putt and sank it. To his wife he said, “We’ll have to do better. That was a bogey five.” “Don’t blame me,” she snapped, “I only took two of them.”

During the weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives. From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, “Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?”

“Tom” sits in clubhouse bar thinking about his next extra marital affair. Deep in though about the subject he absent mindedly starts thinking allowed. “Not worth it” he muttered” never as good as you hoped. Expensive and above all drives the wife berserk.” A friend who was sitting close by at the time and over heard Tom’s words leaned across and said, “Come on Tom you knew what to expect when you took up golf.”

A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20-foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs.

The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, “That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?”

“Somersaults,” says the man.

“Somersaults?!” says the friend, “That’s incredible. How many does he do?”

“Hmmm,” says the man. “That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass.”

A golfer tried three straight times to hit a golf ball over the inlet of water between him and the green. But each time the ball splashes into the drink. In utter frustration the golfer said, “Caddie, take my clubs on in, I’m going to jump into the water and drown myself.”

The caddie replied, “I doubt that, sir. You couldn’t keep your head down long enough to drown!”

A priest is playing a round of golf at the local public course when he arrives at the 15th tee. This hole is a 160-yard par three with a lake in the front of the green. It is also the padre’s nemesis, no matter how well or how poorly he is playing.

Upon arriving at the tee, the priest tees up his ball, gets ready to hit and, at the last minute, looks toward the heavens and says, “God, I have been a good and decent man. Please, just this once, let me hit a shot which will carry the lake and get onto the green.”

As he is about to swing, a loud, deep voice booms from the heavens and says, “Use a new ball, they go farther.”

The preacher steps back, thinks about the heavenly advice and goes to his bag and gets a brand new ball. He takes his stance and once again the heavenly voice booms, “Take a practice swing first.”

The preacher is now awestruck by the heavenly advice, so he steps back from the ball and takes a practice swing.

He takes his stance and gets ready to hit and the heavenly voice booms, “Use the old ball.”

Two pastors, one Catholic and one Protestant, and a Jewish rabbi were part of a threesome one day on the course. The groups ahead of them was playing slow, terrible golf and weren’t gesturing for a play-through. After several holes of this agonizingly slow golf the three clerics began to get very impatient, each muttering his own curses upon the group ahead of them. Soon the Marshall came around, and was hailed down by the holy men who shouted, “We’re sick of being held-up by these yahoos ahead of us who won’t allow us to play through!”

The Marshall stated, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, but those men are both deaf and blind.”

The Protestant cried, “Oh, Jesus, forgive me for my bad thoughts and cursing upon those poor souls.”

The Catholic cried, “Oh forgive me, Mary, for my bad thoughts and cursing upon those poor souls.”

The rabbi shouted, “So why can’t they play at night!?”

A man got a phone call from his wife at work one day and she asked him to stop at the store and pick up some groceries. Reminding her that this was his golf league day, he said he would be happy to go to the store AFTER playing his round of golf.

After playing golf, he stopped at the store and picked up 2 bags full of groceries. He then proceeded to walk out of the grocery store to his Cadillac. Upon reaching his Cadillac he found it difficult to reach into his pocket to pull his keys out to open his trunk because his arms were full with two bags of groceries. He saw a beautiful women walking nearby and he asked her, “Could you please do me a favor?”

“Sure,” she replied.

He went on to say, “I can’t reach into my pocket and get my Cadillac keys out to open my trunk and put my groceries away.” “Do you think you could reach into my pocket and pull my Cadillac keys out?”

“No problem,” she replied.

When she pulled the keys out, two golf tees also were pulled out as well and fell to the ground. She bent over and picked them up. Looking at the golf tees in the palm of her hand, somewhat quizzically she asked the man, “Gee, what are these for?” He replied, “Oh, those are to keep my balls in the air while I’m driving.”

To which she commented, “Boy, those Cadillac people think of everything.”

“I once played a course that was so tough, I lost two balls in the ball washer!”

A golfer was hitting a ball from the first hole in front of the clubhouse. The ball was sitting about 2-feet in front of the tee markers. The golfer approached the ball with his wood, setup silently, and was ready to swing when, over the loudspeaker, the voice of the pro from the clubhouse said,” Would the gentleman on the first tee please tee his ball behind the tee markers for his first shot.”

The voice broke the man’s concentration, and he backed away, came up to the ball again, set up, and was again ready to hit. The voice over the loudspeaker repeated, “Would the gentleman on the first tee PLEASE tee up his ball behind the tee markers for his first shot.”

The golfer backed away, strolled up to the starter and said, “Would you please tell the gentleman in the clubhouse that the gentleman on the first tee is hitting his second shot?”

A funeral procession was driving by the golf course as a group was putting on the 18th green. Upon seeing the hearse, one of the players stopped and put his hat over his heart as the procession passed. “That was really a very nice gesture,” one of his buddies said. “Hey, it’s the least I could do. Sunday would have been our 35th wedding anniversary!”

There was a threesome of men warming up on the first tee at Pebble Beach, when a very pretty young woman came up and asked if she could join them in their round. They asked what her handicap was and she told them it was a 4. They said they’d be happy to have her join the group and she told them how she had always wanted to play Pebble Beach and what a very special day this was for her.

When the round began it quickly became clear that she was quite a good golfer. She hit the ball beautifully and she showed exceptional skill in all aspects of the game. Throughout the round she told the other members of the group that it had been her life-long dream to play Pebble Beach and to have a great round. She certainly was doing that, as after 17 holes she was at even par for the day.

She teed off and hit a terrific drive right down the middle of the fairway. Her second shot landed on the green about four and a half feet from the pin — but it was a very difficult, side-hill lie. She studied her putt for a few moments, then she walked over to where the men were observing. “You know,” she said, “this is a very special day for me. I’ve always wanted to have a great round at Pebble Beach and now I have the chance to birdie the course. This really means a lot to me, and if any of you can tell me the best way to sink this putt, there’s thirty minutes of the best sex you’ve ever had in your life in it for you!”

Well, the first man ran over and said, “You know, I had this exact putt about two weeks ago and I can tell you that the best way to putt it is to hit it hard about 5-inches above the cup.”

The second man pushed him out of the way and said, “No way! I’ve had this putt many times and I know that the best thing to do is to hit it soft about 10-inches high of the cup.”

The third man walked up and said, “Don’t listen to either of them.” He then picked up her ball and handed it to her and said, “That’s a gimme!”

When asked about his golf game a man replied, “It’s a lot like masturbation. I derive a great deal of pleasure from it, but it’s disgusting to watch.”

A man was playing 18 holes by himself. On the 15th tee he hooked his ball into some buttercups along the left of the fairway. Being an honorable man, he penalized himself one stroke and moved his ball out of the pretty flowers.

Then a fairy appeared. She said “Thank you for moving your ball out of the earth’s beautiful buttercups, you will now be blessed with an unlimited supply of butter for the rest of your life!”

“Well, thanks,” the man replied, “but where were you yesterday when I hit my ball into the pussy willows?”

  1. Nuts…my shaft is bent
    9.  After 18 holes I can barely walk
    8.  You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
    7.  Look at the size of his putter
    6.  Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
    5.  Mind if I join your threesome?
    4.  Stand with your back turned and drop it
    3.  My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip
    2.  Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
    And the number one thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn’t:
    1. Hold up…I need to wash my balls first

It seems that there was this Chinese businessman visiting a newly acquired business in the United States. As a gesture of good will, the executives of his newly acquired business took him to a golf course for a round of golf. He had never played the game before.

Upon his return to China, his family asked what he had done in the United States. He replied, “Played most interesting game. Hit little white ball with long stick in large cow pasture. Name of game is Oh, shit.”

Now You’re Ready to Start Your Golf Vacation

After reading all these golf jokes you are definitely ready for a vacation.  Start by browsing Myrtle Beach’s best golf packages at the Guaranteed Best Rates.

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